The Story Of St. Patrick’s Day: In the fifth century, St. Patrick came to Ireland, and he saw that no one was knockin’ ’em back with their buds. He went up to the first person he saw and said, “Hi, I’m St. Patrick, and I’ve come to ask why no one here is knockin’ ’em back with their buds like there’s no tomorrow and having a religious experience with a cold one in their hand?” And the person turned to him and said, “Don’t you know? This is Ireland; knockin’ ’em back with your buds is illegal and also there are snakes everywhere and basically no one is religious because of the lack of cold ones.” St. Patrick said, “One, I didn’t know that, and two, this snake thing…is that for real?” And another person turned to him and said, “Yeah, there’s a lot of snakes in Ireland.” And St. Patrick said, “Oh, I don’t like THAT. I don’t like SNAKES.” So he went around dumpin’ out cold ones on all the snakes, which caused them to wig out and die, and the mayor of Ireland said, “St. Patrick, we were wrong about knockin’ ’em back and the religion it causes. It’s good stuff. Thanks for doing that for us; now you have a religious holiday in your name.” And St. Patrick said, “Yeah, that makes sense. I deserve it.”
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