Regarding St. Louis Catholics.

From a recent email about a mandatory training seminar some employees have to take:

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I have a call into the person locally who manages this thing. It appears that you look up your location which is St. Louis, MO (Archdiocese) and there is a list of them to choose from.

According to the website, you register yourself within the system and pick a place. Then show up, stay awake, receive your training and a lollipop.

BUT, I want to talk with the person locally just to be sure I’m not crazy.

You know how St. Louis is.

Everywhere else in the country would follow the same plan, but St. Louis will follow some incredibly complicated and archaic plan where you have to pick up a form at some archdiocese office, a form that they can’t send or email, they can fax it, but who the hell has a fax machine? Then you take that hand written slip to your local parish church and you drop it in the votive candle donation box, the one with St. Francis on it. Keep in mind that the church that is only open between 10:30 and noon Tuesday, Wednesday, and every other Friday unless it’s a holy day of obligation that week, then it’s only open from 11:30 to 11:45 on odd dated Mondays. They will send you a list in the mail of all the available locations for the class, you pick your top 5 choices and return to the church, go to confession, tell the priest your sins and drop off the form with him. He will then take your choices, type them into a form on a typewriter, and send that form via courier to a deacon. After the deacon receives it he will make a photo copy of it then pass that form to the Bishop. The Bishop will then hold a closed door prayer session with a select number of the clergy to decide which angel will hand deliver your 5 choices to the appropriate office.

Once the angel has been chosen, they will descend from heaven accompanied by a flock of pure white doves and slip the form into mail slot on the door of the office. The office will mail you within 5-7 business days with your specific class timeslot (which won’t be your first choice, but more like your fourth.) On the day of the class, you’ll head out in the pouring rain, to a church you’ve never heard of, spend 10 mins stomping through puddles and mud in the dark, trying to figure out where entrance to the meeting room is, you’ll get inside, find the room only to discover a hand written sign on the door stating that the class was cancelled and has been rescheduled for the next night, which also happens to be the Super Bowl, your birthday, and date night.

Again, anywhere else in the country, you’ll be able to register online, only in St. Louis will you need the intercession of an angel to get you signed up to take a two hour class.

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